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where do i go after i leave?

by Kaho Matsui

/

lyrics

i always feel like i need someone to latch onto
whether that's a friend or a family member or a coworker or a therapist

an emotional crutch

do you feel like you need them?
do you feel like you are inconveniencing them?
how about their problems?
what if they don't like you?

do you remember the first time you felt like you can't fully trust anyone?
not because someone might do something malicious,
but because you feel like you are contributing to their suffering?
selfish, but you will feel bad.
who do you lean onto then?
at the end, do you always only have yourself?

sometimes all my everyday interactions feel like trauma bonding.
everything from talking and spending time together to kissing and holding hands
its not something out of the ordinary
but it feels so strange
not hollow, not cheap,
but something is so heavy about it
it is so disgusting to acknowledge it

are interpersonal relationships supposed to feel like this?
everyone in my life is suffering through the same trauma.
do i love these people?
how easy would it be to leave them?
will i feel the same when I am away
meeting new people?
finding new emotional crutches?

where do i go after i leave?

credits

released April 11, 2022
special thanks to my friends. very strange to thank them considering the context of this piece but thats who i have to thank

license

all rights reserved

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about

Kaho Matsui Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

computer and recording works for girls

she/her

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