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almost, almost
11:05
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i am a part of your life
10:01
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Do you see me the same way I see you? It feels so difficult to communicate this to you. You are so far away from me. I can’t wait to see you again.
You are the most important person in my life. I hope you understand how much it means to me to be your friend. You are an integral part of my sense of self. I hope you understand the grasp you have on me.
Lately I have been closed off. Things are getting bad again and I am open to the people around me more than ever, and it is so embarrassing.
Remember the time I missed my flight? I was holding back tears in the car ride home. I don’t want to cry in front of anyone.
I don’t want anyone to cry because they saw me crying.
I cried in front of someone for the first time in a long time. The shame was stomping me out, but if I didn’t do that I would feel dishonest towards the people in my life. I wish I could cry more often.
Would you cry if you saw me cry? Would you be concerned?
A lot of things feel unimportant to me now. The things that I held very close to me don’t feel like a priority anymore. I don’t know where I’ve set my parameters. What to abandon, what to cherish, and what to endure.
What is the most important thing to you right now? Is it your health? Is it feeling purpose? Is it intimacy?
I wish I could give you everything. You are the reason I am alive. I owe so much to you. The guilt I feel from being gone for months is still hollowing me out sometimes. Sometimes it helps to call you. Sometimes I call you three times a day.
I don’t hate you. I will never hate you. I’m not just saying this to make you feel better. I love you so much. I feel like I can’t tell everyone I love them enough times. Everything gets ripped out of me so violently.
I’m sorry I’ve been so distant. I’m sorry I can’t be there for you.
You are the most important person in my life. I hope you understand how much it means to me to be your friend. You are an integral part of my sense of self. I hope you understand the grasp you have on me.
Do you see me the same way I see you? It feels so difficult to communicate this to you. You are so far away from me. I can’t wait to see you again.
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Kaho Matsui Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
computer and recording works for girls
she/her
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